The Letter
by Thoughts Through Words
Summary: An adventure into Kate's mind while she discovers her true feelings for Castle and learns to face them. Can she live without her walls?


_A/N: Enjoy this adventure into Kate's mind. Please let me know if you would like me to continue this. And also I would love comments or requests for new stories._

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. No copyright infringement intended.

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"So what do you want?" asked Dr. Burke in his usual levelheaded tone.

Kate internally laughed to herself. Isn't that the million dollar question?

After her mother was murdered, Beckett built up these walls around her. Losing her mother caused her such immense emotional pain and she decided she couldn't go through that again. She wouldn't. So she built up her walls, preventing anyone from getting that close to her ever again. Kate doesn't let people in easily. The people in her life that she considers herself close to, have had to scratch and claw their way in. Her walls are like a steel armor that protect her in life's darkest moments. However, sometimes the walls give her a place to hide, whether it be from the feelings she's afraid to express or the words she's afraid to speak.

If you ask people about Kate Beckett, they'll tell you she's a fierce, strong, woman who doesn't back down from anything. Well all of that may be true, there's one fight she's never been able to win. The fight against herself. She's gone through her life with her strong facade, masking her true emotions and feelings. And it's worked for her. Until, Richard Castle.

She never imagined that her mother's favorite author would become the tornado of her life. Since Castle meddled his way into her work, he has kicked at her walls brick by brick and inserted himself into her life far more than she's comfortable with. To her dismay, Richard Castle can read her like an open book. He can look at her and see her every feeling, every fear, and every doubt. That is what terrifies her. Rick has seen Kate, the human being instead of just seeing Beckett, the super cop. And although the fact that she doesn't always have to wear her armor around him is somewhat comforting, it can put her at a disadvantage.

That is how she ended up here, in her therapist's office. When Kate was shot, Castle confessed his love for her as she lay bleeding on the ground. In her last moments before she blacked out, she was staring into his eyes as he declared his true feelings. She could see it in his baby blues. The intensity of his love for her was startling. And when he walked into her hospital room after her surgery, he looked at her like she was a gift from the gods. Beckett has hurt Castle by pushing him away time after time and yet he comes back, with a smile on his face and a coffee in his hand. She has not experienced such unconditional love since her mother, so the fact that he feels this way about her makes her head spin and her stomach flip.

She had a boyfriend at the time. She couldn't exactly jump into a relationship with him just because he told her how he felt. If she could, she would roll her eyes at herself. That's the excuse she used to justify her reasons for lying to him when she told him that she didn't hear his confession of love in the cemetery. _Josh._ He was her scapegoat. But who was she kidding? Kate had one foot out the door for that entire relationship. It's how she operated. When things got too serious she would jump ship. _Simple._ Not this time.

She had always had a special connection with the writer due to the fact that, unbeknownst to him, Rick Castle's books helped her through her mother's murder. Her mother read his books, so reading them made her feel close to her. But somewhere along the line, that connection evolved into something more, something that made her shut down and hide whenever she thought about it. She's not really sure when it happened. Probably around the time she discovered he wasn't the playboy he pretended to be for publicity, but actually an admirable, caring, father. At some point during their partnership, Kate fell in love with his childlike outlook on life, seeing the positivity in everyone and everything, and the way his entire face lights up when he talks about his daughter. Castle loves the people he cares about so deeply. She's known for a while that he cared about her, but she never thought his feelings ran deeper than friendship. Although Rick can sometimes act like a nine year old on a sugar high, he can also be serious when he needs to be. He has held her up when she was weak. He has seen her cry and passed no judgment when he saw that she wasn't tough detective she always showed herself to be.

With Castle, she has never been able to keep one foot out the door. Maybe thats why she always suppressed her feelings for the writer. If she told herself they weren't there enough times, then maybe she would start to believe it. Clearly, it doesn't work like that. Feeling aren't just a switch you can turn on and off. In all honesty, Beckett didn't even really know where the switch was.

Dr. Burke waited her out. He knew her silence meant that she was working it out in her head. During the time he has spoken with Beckett he has noticed many things about her. For one, her police training has taught her to compartmentalize. She puts everything in its own box never letting anything collide. And when she doesn't want to deal with something or she isn't ready too, she puts in in its box and locks it away. She never lets anything effect her. But in time, her boxes will break and so will she. That's how she ended up sitting on his couch on her lunch break. She's caving in on herself.

Another thing he's noticed is that her relationship with Mr. Castle is quite the unique one. From what he's heard, for the past four years, these two have been doing this dance, skirting around their feelings. Both of them were okay with that though. The playful banter and the flirting. All of that was okay. Until it wasn't. Once Castle confessed his love for her he faltered their steps in this long, frustrating, dance they've been doing. With his declaration he, metaphorically of course, smashed her boxes causing everything to collide and impede itself.

Kate's never liked therapy. For this reason exactly. She is paying someone to ask her questions that make her rethink everything she thought she knew and doubt herself with everything she says. She also hates to be analyzed which is quite ironic considering she analyzes criminals and delinquents every day. It's her job. But when the tables are turned, it makes her severely uncomfortable. She feels like she is paying someone to destroy her walls.

Finally, with a long sigh, she hung her head and answered in a barely audible tone.

"I want to be more than who I am." she stated.

With her answer spoken aloud, her emotions betrayed her letting a stray tear fall down her face.

"Are you ready for that?" he asked her.

Wiping the tear, she replied. "Yeah, I think I am."

Dr. Burke gave her a nod of approval. "Kate, since you have trouble figuring out your feelings for Mr. Castle in your head, have you considered trying to figure them out on paper?"

Beckett visibly stiffened. Writing out her feelings would make them real and she didn't know if she was ready for that.

Sensing her hesitation, he continued. "Write him a letter. You don't have to show it to him, you don't even have to show it to me. But maybe it would help to try and organize your thoughts on paper."

 **xxxxxxxxx**

That evening when she returned home from work, she settled on her couch with a pen, paper, and a glass of her favorite red wine. The idea still seems ridiculous to her but she is willing to give it a try. The fact that she's about to write down the feelings she's never voiced and the demons that creep in the dark corners in her mind, is making her hand shake as she grips the pen tightly. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. She began to write.

 _Dear Rick,_

 _There are so many things I wish I had the courage to tell you. I wish I could tell you that I heard what you said in the cemetery. And I wish I could tell you that I love you too. I know you are going to be so hurt when you find out I lied to you. But I had my reasons. I'll admit that I behaved cowardly and selfishly but I thought I was protecting you. Hearing you voice your feelings made me realize I couldn't hide from mine anymore. I wasn't ready for that then. I'm still not ready for that now. When I told you that I didn't remember, I didn't do it because I didn't feel the same way. I did it because I needed time to accept that I did. I should have called you during those three months I was at my dads cabin. I picked up the phone every day but I just couldn't hit the dial button. I missed you everyday. I ached to see you so badly. But I knew when I did, you would have the hopeful look in your eyes like you were waiting for me to remember what you said that day. I was healing and I didn't want you to see me that way. I know you wouldn't have judged me. I know you would have helped me in every way you could. But I didn't want you to think less of me. After I was shot, I could barely walk on my own. It wouldn't have been fair to subject you to that. I would have loved to just dive into a relationship with you once I healed. See, healing physically would be step one, but I also needed to heal emotionally and mentally. I didn't want you to be in love with a shell of a woman. I've known for a while that I love you. I've hidden from it for so long because you've been the one person who can see past my walls and that terrifies me. I have hidden in nowhere relationships with men I don't love because when the relationship inevitably ends, I won't feel the pain I felt when I lost my mom. I don't know if I could handle losing you. So I thought we could just keep being friends and I would never have to experience that loss. But then you told me you loved me. And that changed everything. We crossed a line we can't come back from and once you know the truth, I will be forced to watch my walls crumble at my feet. I have hidden behind my walls for so long, I don't know if I know how to live without them. Just know that I never intended to hurt you. In fact, I thought I was doing the exact opposite. I do love you. And I hope one day I can tell you all of this._

 _Always,_

 _Kate_

Letting the letter rest on her lap, she finally realized the tears that were streaming down her face. She has never acknowledged her feelings for Castle. She has fought them and denied them with every turn. Realizing the depth of her love for him is just as intense as hearing him confess his love for her. Picking up the untouched glass of wine, she took a sip and rested it back on the table. Kate picked up the letter and folded it, writing his name on the front. One day, she would tell him all of this. One day, her walls will come down and she will be able to invest herself in a relationship with him whole heartedly. _One day._


End file.
